why green, crusty things grown in our nostrils is completely beyond me. the simple and only answer i have come up with is one thing: awkward. i personally, can think of a good 100 awkwards that can be attributed to this topic,completely. but there is one in particular that stands out in my mind and so that is where i would like to begin this grand adventure of "snotty sensations" we will be sharing over the course of our 1000 awkward moments together.
and it goes like this....
once upon a time, my life had hit a particular low. i was working a really crappy job. with really crappy hours. and really crappy work was involved. i was also very ill. my cold had not morphed into mono, thank goodness. but it had turned into a raging sinus infection which was resulting in the complete destruction of: my nasal cavities, my ability to breath, to live life without feeling like my head was becoming so full of mucus it was on the verge of explosion, and well, my ability to function as a normal human being. but, we all know how life is so i was at work each day through this whole mess. to pass the time i had bought a rubik's cube. one problem: solving it was like a big moldy piece of cake. i don't know if you've ever attempted to solve a rubik's cube using only the directions that come with it, but if you have, you know what i mean when i say: they are completely worthless. lucky for me i had made friends with a cute boy who a-knew how to solve it and b-was willing to help me each day. he isn't the kind of boy i ever anticipated dating. not even a little. he was one of those irrational crushes we all have. each day we'd chat and get a little further on the cube. i'd enjoy how cute he was and our lighthearted conversation. he'd help me solve the cube. sounds cute right? well lets add in the current sinus condition. that's where things take a nice awkward twist. one day i stopped by his cubicle. we were having a nice little chat. all of the sudden something funny was said. normally i'd be able to laugh and continue on with my conversation and then day. but because my nose was so jam packed with snot that was absolutely not the case. two gigantic boogers, like big, green slugs shoot out of my nostrils mid laugh, they are exposed to the world long enough for cute boy and everyone around me to see them and for their smiles to droop just a little and the like two little bungie jumpers without a care in the world, thing one and thing two suck back into their holes and all of the faces that had gone from laughter, to fear that they would be sprayed with the mucus, to concern that i was stashing all of "that" in my little nose. were i a normal and mature human being i would have stopped laughing. but i'm not. so i'm laughing so hard i'm struggling to speak. while also blushing wildly. and attempting to communicate "i'm so sorry...i have a severe sinus infection." not that that would change anything. so i take my runny, giggly mess of a self and just leave work. slightly mortified. because i know once my cold meds wear off and i've got a grip on myself and i'm back at work i'm going to be more than just a little bit mortified and i will be forever avoiding one of the few things that made this job bearable.
so....if that wasn't awkard enough. this story does in fact, continue. the next day rolls around. i'm hiding in my cubicle. embarrassed just as anticipated. blowing my extra full nose almost constantly. on one of the trips to grab more toilet paper/blow i run into you know who. i awkwardly say hi. he looks particularly tired. he starts talking. everything is far less awkard than anticiapted. and then as he is talking my eyes naturally drift from his face down to the front of his shirt where the is something large, crusty, and a nice brown/yellow color, dried up and hanging on for dear life. eyes dart back up to his face. i'm trying desperately not to look at the crusty boogers dried on the front of his shirt, but remember the tap dancing poops from the pet post? this booger is singing show tunes in a firework filled sky and i just can't help myself. i can't even focus on what he is saying. how was it humanly possible to grow a booger that big, get it out of a nostril and accidently leave it on the front of your shirt?! he notices i'm not listening and is making a confused face. so i can't even help it and i say "ummm....you've got something on your shirt..." had i not been so shocked at this boog, immaturity would have set it by now and i'd be a hysterical wreck. but the worst part of this whole mucasy mess is what happens next: he casually looks down, lets out a little "oh" of enlightnement, picks it off, sniffs it and says "....that's just a chunk of my hot pocket from last night!" as he nonchalantly FLICKS IT ASIDE. i let out a little scream out of fear that the guy next to him might lose an eye. not sure where it landed but i think it probably ended up making a family of small rodents very happy. i can't hold back the hysterical laughter any longer and i totally lose it. who cares about boogers at this point. this man eats hot pockets. he doesn't bathe regularly. and he flicks crusty things around like it's nobody's business. i'm not sure if my crush increased or lessened at that point. i have a strange respect for people who can recognize that bodies have functions and sometimes these functions do whatever they please. all i know is that my abs were very sore the next day. and awkward lives on. always and forever.
if you've never tried this one at halloween time...you probably should. so hilarious. by the time you're done you've either laughed so hard they've all popped out of your mouth and are covered in all kinds of hair, lint, crumbs and other things found on the floor. or you've succumbed to eating a giant mouthful of pure sugar and suffering from a major sugar high AFTER laughing till your abs and face hurt. this specific episode resulted in me swallowing several candy corn whole as well as finding some of them stuck in my hair and lets not forget the fact that my face was covered in a sugary residue. so amazing. so awkward.
i'd like to make this one simple by telling you a quick story....
once upon a time i was peacefully sleeping in my little bed. daphne, my cat, was jumping around and being a nuisance, but i've learned to sleep through all of her biting, hissing, scratching and pouncing. all of the sudden i am woken up from a dead sleep. you know that eerie feeling when someone is watching you sleep? yep. that was the culprit. i sit up enough to see through slightly blurry vision, thanks to my contacts not being in, that there is someone standing in the doorway to my room. the person is large, creepy, male and a complete stranger. not good. daphne, for some odd reason has not tried to make a run for it and is sitting right by me with extra wide eyes. i'm sure i looked very tired and very confused. that's because i was. then mr. creepy says "now you just stay right there....." yes. those were his words. it wasn't bad enough that he's in my house, and in my room while i was asleep. he actually had the nerve to say that. at this point in my life i am wearing my little halloween boxers from jr high. they are the ones with little glow in the dark pumpkins and ghosts that i wear to bed and around the house every october, without fail, for a good ten years now. yes they still fit me. yes they are very loved. yes they should not be seen in public. i am also wearing this random shirt my sister got me in italy that was never meant to be matched with my beloved halloween boxers. my bangs are sticking out in all the wrong places. my usual "asian bun" is out of control. there is makeup smeared all over my face. i'm sure my breath was rancid. i have a few bandaids on my face serving the purpose of medicating some pimples while i sleep. and i am definitely bra-less. yet....in about 30 seconds flat i grab daphne, jump out of my bed and say "ummm....noooo! " and with a little excuse me make a run for it. don't worry i later found out that man was just measuring for new carpet. but still....AWKWARD.
dear awkward followers,
i'm sorry for letting you down for so long. i am back. for real. and i'm actually planning on posting once daily. so make it a part of your daily routine to experience an awkward moment with me. love always, cailie.
today's topic is one that i'm sure a few people out there haven't experienced in the slightest and this will just end up being weird/gross to them. but for those of you who have ever had a pet, you will know exactly what i mean. pets are so cute. they're fun. playful. but there's another side to them. a slightly evil side. they're so cute and helpless you can't help but let them live in your house. but oh how they always abuse that privilege. let me present a few ways they can provide some of the most awkward moments of your life.
#1 the smelly surprise
so you invite someone into your home. they aren't your mom or your best friend so you want to be polite; make a good impression. you invite them into your living room. your nicest furniture is in there. you begin chatting. after a minute you think to yourself, "what is that smell....i know i showered today....and i'd need to have some major halitosis for that rancid smell to be coming from my mouth.....fluffy is locked up..." and then you see it. fluffy has left a little present for you. it's not in the middle of the room. it's kind of to the side. not tucked away though. it's easy to spot. and boy is her present giving off an odor. so for the next ten minutes you don't listen to a word your guest is saying. you just sit there nodding with a fake smile plastered on your face. inside you are mortified. what if they notice? how will you bear the shame? you try not to look at it too much, fearful that they will follow your eyes over there. but for reasons that are beyond you, you keep glancing...like you're afraid the poop is going to grow legs and start tap dancing across the room. hey at least at that point you'd be known as so and so who has the tap dancing poop collection. because at this point your in a lose lose situation. either they're going to see it and think something goes around pooping wherever it pleases and you don't even bother to pick it up before people come over. or they will leave thinking "man....they sure are nice...but that poop smell was so bad..." and you will instantly become mr. or mrs. poop smell forever.
#2 butt juices
situation number two is with someone you're a little more comfortable with. enough that fluffy isn't locked up. she's not jumping on the other person or licking them or being a nuisance. she's actually being quite nice. she does a little trick or two. "sit fluffy....shake fluffy..." you give her a treat. at that point she's thinking "well i'm off duty ...i'm gonna do whatever i'd like." the first thing she's going to do is scratch behind her ears. that's kind of cute. then she is going to start cleaning her privates. not cute anymore. why animals feel like licking their private parts in front of people is necessary is something i will never understand, but they always do it. without fail. it's like "those people look different...better lick my butt..." i've thought that maybe in the dog world that's really awesome. "you know skipper....he's such a champion butt licker..." just a thought...best explanation i've come up with so far. the next thing fluffy does is the worst. this is one i couldn't even fathom for years. still can't to be quite honest with you. she is sitting as an animal does...only all the sudden she's lifting her back legs up just a little and she's using her front ones to drag her behind all over your carpet. so yes, not only is your animal dragging it's butt all over your carpet, it also could not look more awkward in the process. one time the family dog started doing this while my aunt, uncle and cousins were visiting. when our eyes got big and we started scolding her my uncle told us some fact about dogs releasing butt juices and that was the reason they do that. honestly that doesn't make it any better. "excuse the fact that my pet looks completely awkward dragging herself around by her two front paws....she's just releasing her butt juices all over the very same carpet your feet are touching right this very minute...enjoy!" you're sure to see them again.
sometimes when i get off of work early and i have nowhere to be i like to do what is often referred to as relaxation. that typically means i change into my sweats, find some food and plop down on the lovesac/couch to watch some tv. this doesn't happen too often. but it happened yesterday. my sisters are all home for spring break and a couple of them happened to be watching "what not to wear" so i decided to join them. i could write a novel on why that show is awkward but we'll wait on that one. but....this particular episode was extra bad. first off the lady they were helping looked more like a man than a woman. remember #3, gender confusion? this was part two of it. next awkward moment on the show: so they're doing interviews with people she knows. her friends are talking about why she needs fashion help and such. then they get her husband on there. and they're filming as he's digging through her closet and he says "i like to call this fleece mountain!" and he starts throwing out all kinds of hideous fleece clothing items. although i'm sure she all but murdered him later, who can blame the guy for loosing it at his wife? she had enough fleece to clothe an entire nation! so i'm thinking this is all really weird. she's full on crying as they throw away all of her terrible clothes-most of which are yep, you guessed it, fleece. and then they pull out a shirt and both just stop, speechless. have you ever seen one of those shirts that has different smiley faces showing all kinds of different moods and then a clever little saying about "what kind of mood are you in today?.." well the layout of this shirt was similar. only instead of smiley faces there were poops. yeah. it was showing all the different kinds of bowel possibilities. i'm sitting there with my jaw dropped wondering "is this for real...it can't be..." and then they zoom in on the bottom and it says "endangered feces" the three of us totally start freaking out. "rewind!!!! zoom back in on that shirt! ahhhh!!!!" this lady literally has a shirt that said endangered feces in big letters and had the names of all different kinds of poops with little pictures of each. and she was fighting with them when they tried to throw it away! she had mentioned that she likes wearing her fun t-shirts when she goes out on the weekends and stuff. to what event is it appropriate to wear the feces shirt?! i'm a pretty down to earth person and i like to laugh at slightly gross/crude stuff but i wouldn't be caught dead wearing a shirt with a small encyclopedia of poop printed on the front of it. anywhere. not even to bed. there's no way i wouldn't have disturbing dreams in that thing. some people's children...i tell you...
on another note though, that shirt would make and amazing white elephant/gift. not gonna lie. i considered looking for it online. then i thought of all the awful things i could come across in the process and i changed my mind. we'll leave the endangered feces alone for now.
i like to think i'm a relatively comfortable person. i thought i was pretty good at handling potentially disastrous situations. you know those uncomfortable situations most people avoid like the plague. i've always been the kind of person who can at least pretend to be comfortable, crack a joke or two, and live through the experience just fine...sometimes even enjoy it. okay maybe that's stretching it a little too far but i'd at least live through it and get a good story from it. well i thought all of that...but i thought wrong. now maybe i'm alone in what i'm about to share...but i'm almost certain at least one other soul in this world has shared in this specific pain. and by pain i just mean our favorite word: awkward. so last week my dear friend and i were having a typical girls night...too much: hair, ice cream, laughs, and talking. it was then that we were both like man we need to do this more often...and while we're at it....we need a massage. we need to relax. blah. blah. blah. so we picked a day. which just so happened to be today. now i know i've had a massage before, but now that i get to thinking about it, it's always been by people i've known. just a little bit at least. but like i said, potentially uncomfortable situations don't seem to phase me so i didn't think anything of the fact that my friend was finding a spa, making and appointment, and i'd be showing up and throwing myself it to what i consider right now as maximum awkward. like always i was running late. this particular place happened to be in the basement of a house which was weird. i hate that moment of "okay...where do i park? where is the door? do i just go in? this feels weird..." but it was fine. i could see my friend's car but she wasn't in it so i figured she had headed inside. so i just go in. considering it is a basement it has a desk and looks pretty professional. there are two ladies sitting at the desk. i say hi. they have me start filling out papers. my friend is no where in sight. i then get a text from her that says something like "they already took me back, i'll see you when we're done" so i'm like alright cool. hand the lady the papers. she says "i'll be working on you today..." i say "awesome..." she says "ummm...what?" while giving me a weird look. i say "umm...coool...." this is already weird. did i mention she was just kind of weird in general. poofy hair. insanely skinny. not judging, just assessing. so she takes me back into this room. right off i notice that there are lots of little pine trees with lights...christmas? and nickleback is playing along with a little waterfall thing. strange, but whatever. so i'm like well...here we go...and she tells me "it's typically best if you are totally naked....but if you want to keep some of your underwear on that's cool too...and just lay face down on top of that sheet when you're done changing..." kind of confused i'm like "on top?..." and she says yeah and leaves. alright...this is weird so for a second i'm thinking...i've been in awkward naked situations. nothing says awkward like getting an airbrush tan in the nude...standing there...butt naked...arms out...having someone airbrush you with freezing liquid/air to hopefully make your blinding skin a little darker. i've had bikini waxes. another awkward near naked experience. but something about laying butt naked on top of this table with my face squished in a little pillow with a hole in the middle was not sounding bearable. so i make the decision to leave underwear on the bottom. so i'm laying on table, face down...rather cold and extremely uncomfortable thinking this is so weird. and oh it was just starting. she starts to walk in screams a little, mostly shuts the door and is like "ah! get in that sheet!!!!" so i'm freaking out and like "ahh!!! getting in the sheet! getting in the sheet!" AWKWARD! with a capital a. and she hasn't even rubbing my mostly naked body! so she comes back in and for the first time in the last ten minutes, and probably my whole life, i am loving that fact that my face is securely hidden in a weird little pillow with an air hole that reeks of lavender. so as she starts massaging me she also starts making awkward conversation. "so....what do you do for work...how long have you been doing hair...how do you know your friend.."which is fine but then she starts getting weird like talking about how she always massages big guys so it's weird because her hand can take up my whole back and other things that are just weird, obvious, and i don't really care to hear. " i was so ready to say "hey listen lady...not only did you just make me freak out and feel humiliated while laying all but totally naked and rather cold with my face squished in this smelly pillow, i'm pretty sure on your little evaluation i said that i came here to relax. not to listen to you ramble. so stop talking." but i didn't. mostly because it was awkward enough and if she could get the massive knots out of my back she could probably kill me as well. after a few minutes she stops talking and in the silence i start thinking. too much. "oh crap...when was the last time you shaved your legs? what if there is lint in your toes?" then she starts doing these weird little techniques that tickle so bad it's taking everything in me not to start laughing. there are two things i often forget about myself: 1-i am super claustrophobic. 2-i may or may not be the most ticklish person ever born. then once i'm in a little box or being tickled i instantly remember and hate my life for a minute or two. so after feeling like i'm being carefully tickle tortured for a few minutes she starts moving my legs around and it makes a really loud "fart noise" is this going to end?! did i mention she has all kinds of weird music playing....we went from some kind tune you'd probably irish dance to, back to nickelback, then to some crappy 90s rock, back to weird flutes and bagpipes. then she says "okay now i'm going to have you scoot down so your head is on the table and roll over onto your back..." so i do it but i'm thinking "oh dear...what are you going to rub on the front of me...." lucky for me she just starts working on my my neck/shoulders just at a different angle. but then she starts rubbing my face. i have given and received lots of facials in my lifetime, thanks to cosmetology school, but i never got over how weird it is to rub someones face/have your own face rubbed. i always had the urge to start squishing their cheeks together while saying "my name is chubby..." or just laugh on either end of things. the first facial i ever gave was to a girl who had a bit of an acne problem and the entire time was like a careful act of tip toeing around a land mine, while praying "oh please don't let me accidentally pop one of these zits...oh please don't let me pop one of these zits...i've stomached a lot but i will throw up on this girls face if her zit pops on me..." that was terrible. but this time i thinking "i am so congested right now i can't breath out of my nose and breathing with my mouth open while my face is being squished around is not so comfortable..." that's all i can think about. until she starts poking her fingers in my ears. you heard me right. in my ears. back to self conscious mode i'm thinking "ew...disgusting...i hope you don't get any wax on you!..." then she starts pulling on them and squishing them around. at this point i'm like this needs to end now. i didn't ask for an ear massage. i told you i wanted to relax and maybe get some help relieving the tension headache i've had for awhile. and then i am saved. she says "alright. that's it." had i been wearing more clothes i probably would've jumped up and yelled "hallelujah!" but for her sake and my own, i didn't. i get my clothes on. feeling rather dizzy from breathing in too much lavender, and not being able to see very well thanks to having my eyes closed with contacts in for too long. i go out of the room. still feeling dizzy. the seeing is doing worse than before. by the time i get down the hall and back to the desk my right eye is losing it. it being my contact. literally. as i'm half crawling around looking for my contact i catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror with the eye that is working and my hair looks like something along the lines of "a monkeys uncle.." so my mom would put it. so here i am crawling around finding my contact with a big rat nest on top of my head...not to mention my makeup had been rubbed off and all of my lovely acne is showing and as i'm searching i think "geeze the only thing that would complete this moment is if i'd forgotten to put my pants back on!..." then i hurry and check because i know me and i know nothing is impossible. once i successfully get the contact in my eye and attempt to smooth down the mop i look around and realize my friend is not there. and the two ladies have been watching the freak show the whole time. she finally comes out. the lady is awkward like the rest of the experience as we pay and then we head out. as we're leaving my friends says..." my girl was super awesome...but that other lady was pretty weird..." my response: "you have no idea dude...no idea."
for the record parts of the massage were very nice. my headache did feel better.
also for the record i had remember to put my pants on. :)
okay...here's the deal: bad breath is the worst. not only can it cause instant death. it makes for many an awkward moment. for those of you who don't know, or haven't figured it out, i work in a salon doing hair full time. last week i'm doing my part to work through the large list of clients waiting to get their hair cut on this particular evening. most of you also know or have figured out that i am a female in her early twenties who is attracted to good looking men around my same age. so i noticed when a guy came in who's about my age and fairly attractive. actually i'll give him a little more than that. he's quite attractive. he has a nice face, cute smile, good hair. etc. etc. and it just so happens that after a couple of haircuts when i call the next name on the list mr. good-looking stands up and gives a cute little smile. i hold the chair still while he sits down. pick up the cape. get a little neck strip ready. turn to him and say something along the lines of "what're we doing for you today..." now in a world where good things happen to me, he would've smiled and explained his ideal haircut and then for the next 20 minutes or so i would give him just that while we chatted and i quickly learned that he's near perfect, exactly everything i'm looking for, he would've laughed at my quirky sarcasm and stupid jokes, he would love his haircut, he would've tipped me well, and sometime before his pretty but handsome face and cute smile walked back out the door he would've gotten my phone number and we would be set. but that world is not real and instead he opened his mouth and i about killed over at the remnants of whatever it was he had for his last meal. instead of smiling and letting out a silly joke i gave a weak smile and just nodded while attempting to hold my breath and assessing how i was going to smell that horrendous stench for one more second, let alone a 20 minute long haircut! racking my brain i get the idea maybe i can offer him a piece of gum out of my little hiding place in my station that i keep for my own bad breath emergencies. then i start arguing with myself about whether or not that could make things worse and was there even a piece in there? i'm pretty sure the last one was in my mouth right that very minute. so taking a deep breath i glanced in the mirror and reminded myself that bad breath happens, maybe he had frantically searched through his car, every pocket, asked the man in the parking lot on his way in, couldn't find help anywhere so had no choice but to nearly knock his poor hairstylist dead...and he was still a cute kid and i would continue the haircut and chat as planned. so as i cut he talked. from the back, as in standing directly behind him it wasn't so bad. it was only around the sides, closer to the mouth aka the source of the aroma that it was overpowering. so i started strategizing. i would ask the questions around the front and then quickly move towards the back before he began answering. thank goodness no one from corporate was there to see me cut this haircut. i would've been fired for sure. zero organization. whatsoever. and thank goodness this kid was so wrapped up in his own thoughts and seemed rather oblivious to how sporadically his hair was being cut. so as we talk i find out he is a writer. i am instantly intrigued and consider forgiving the breath situation just a little bit. then i get another whiff and hold back a gag, feel a little dizzy for a minute and start thinking "what could make anything so bad?!" trust me i know the breath the italian place brings thanks to it's close location...right next door. it's pretty bad. but this is far beyond that. i start wondering "were you snacking on some onions and garlic before you stopped in or what? worried about vampires? i sure wouldn't be if i were you...." so this continues on for awhile. the haircut is complete. a shampoo is so out of the question...and i start taking the cape off mid sentence. he pays...i don't even care about a tip anymore and i began singing the hallelujah chorus as i see him walk out the door and head for his car. the only thing that could be better is if the rest of the salon joined in after a minute....i know if i was basically dying someone else had to be smelling it... then we would break out into some kind of a supercuts musical.... just to top this whole awkward thing off.
bad breath happens...but as you can see it is terrible. and terribly awkard.
so in addition to a great, but sad story i have a piece of advice....keep some gum close by. you never know when you or the poor soul next to you will need it.
so today i played a really weird game of phone tag with an individual i've never met. she was calling to let me know about an organ training class i was signed up for. something about the sound of an organ training class feels awkward in and of itself...but it would be cool to know more about the organ, and the class is now on a day that works for me so i tried to call her back to let her know i'll be there and find out what time it's at. we kept missing each others calls and leaving awkward messages... "hi this is cailie...that girl that you've been trying to call all day and has left like 50 awkward messages on your answering machine...only to have you call back within minutes of receiving it...only to have me not answer..again..." phone tag=awkward. but here's what's even more awkward than plain old phone tag. so finally, after a couple of hours of this, someone picks up the phone. i had already been stressing about what her name was. it was one of those names that is pretty much the same as another name...if you know what i mean. to be honest with you i can't even remember THE name. so for the story's sake lets say it's wendy but originally i thought maybe she said mindy. so a voice answers, sounds like a woman and i politely say: "hi is this wendy?" person on the other end rudely replies: "no. it's not." me:
" rude person: "that's okay...pause..." at this point it hits me. this is not wendy. this is wendy's son. who sounds an awful lot like he is in the midst of puberty. had i called a minute before, or even a minute later it might be obvious that he is a teenage male. another minute later though, and it would be easy to confuse him for his mom...as i had done. so... mortified for me AND him i pause for another second and then ask if wendy is there. he tells me no. so i leave my message and hang up. at this point i start hitting my head with my little fists, yzma style, saying the infamous "stupid, stupid, stupid." that poor boy. that has to feel great. he's thinking: hair is growing on my body...everything is weird...i can't even control my own voice and some girl thinks i'm a WOMAN! way to boost his awkward jr. high self-esteem cailie! all i can say is i was glad there was a telephone and who knows how many miles between us....and i didn't have to live this awkward moment face to face. then i remember: i had the same incident at work; only that one was in real life. there was a woman sitting on one of the benches in the front of the salon waiting for a haircut when i arrived at work one afternoon. i looked at them....and made the assessment that they were a slightly masculine woman. their hair was definitely woman hair. they had very little make-up on but were still attractive in a natural way. they like wearing baggier, more masculine clothes. kind of weird...but hey we all go through that phase. i remember in late elementary school when i wanted a pair of boys' sneakers so bad. and i wanted to be a tom-boy. yeah that lasted for about one day....maybe this girl's tom-boy phase was lasting just a bit longer. so i set up my station and turn to the woman waiting and say a simple "have you been helped?" this is where awkward comes in...a definite man's voice replies "yes...i'm just waiting..." i literally jump. my eyes get huge. i don't know how to form a word, let alone a whole sentence. so i simply offer an "uhh..."turn and hurry to the back room. after laughing for a minute....and wanting to cry for this poor soul, i pull it together and go back to work.
in the words of brian regan: "have you ever guessed somebody's gender wrong?...there's no recovering from that..you just gotta move on 'cause you ain't wriggling out of nothin'! hey excuse me..sir? MAM! okay...bye...bye human....bye person...nice to meet you individual..."
maybe i only know about this because i am a girl and i cry my eyes out more than i'd like...or maybe this is just common knowledge. you know how it goes...you have a bad day. maybe you wreck your car. you get dumped. someone you were very close to passes away. crying nice and hard happens. i'm not talking about the cry where you let out a few minutes worth of tears, wait for about ten minutes for the few splotches to clear up, dry your eyes, clean your contacts, if you are female you then touch up your makeup and go about your day as normal. i'm talking about the cry where you let loose. you just let it flow like there's no tomorrow. for me it often goes like this: i'm usually laying on my own bed crying to someone over the phone, or my mom is there, or i'm laying on my parents bed, and i'm punching the pillows and crying/yelling about whatever i'm so upset about as i sob. before the end of it they make me feel better. note: me feeling better means they're going to crack a joke about something totally stupid and sarcastic that makes me start to cry a little more but it also makes me laugh...thus the best feeling ever: laugh crying. anywho...after this whole ordeal the splotches are unreal. my nose is raw from blowing and wiping. my head is pounding. but the real problem: the puffy eyes. puffy isn't really an accurate word anymore. it's more like....gigantic tumor-like growths where normal little eyeballs used to be that you're now attempting to look out of . and the worst part: you think going to bed will help. WRONG. they are even worse when you wake up. so the first thought is to splash some cool water on them. that helps a little. the next thought is ice. so you lay there icing your tumor-eyes and hoping it'll help. that will also help quite a bit, but it doesn't totally fix the problem. most people think at this point there is nothing else. but....oh there is. once upon a time i heard from a source i can't even remember but i want to say it was back in the days when i did pageants that if you put a little bit of hemorrhoid cream on your eyes it would reduce swelling. So when my eyes morphed into a monster yesterday and the ice wasn't doing the trick i turned to my mom and said i'm going to try it. she seemed to think that it was a good idea until i pulled the tube out and started to open it. then she started frantically saying, "maybe you just just use some more ice...i mean the only thing that could make life worse right now is if you end up blinding yourself with hemorrhoid cream..." my response..."if i'm blind i won't ever have to worry about this or any of my other problems again...i can just wallow in my blind misery!..." so i proceed to squeeze a little bit on my finger and rub it under my eyes. it made my skin burn a little but i think it helped. it's made to reduce swelling and irritation to sensitive tissues. so really....it shouldn't even be weird. but then as i'm sitting there in the bathroom with gigantically puffy eyes and greasy ointment all over my face, waiting for a miracle, i start reading the tube. bad idea. i can handle reading about it's real purposes but while it's sitting on my face...that is where awkward starts screaming in my face..."apply to affected area up to 4 times daily especially after each bowel movement..." "for intrarectal use..." i'm reading about applicators and bleeding now...and at this point i freak out a little and wipe it off my face.
for the record it is a great idea and did help.
just don't read about its true purposes while it's on your face.
take a minute to think back to your childhood birthday parties. lots of cake. lots of maniac kids screaming and running through your tired parent's house destroying everything within reach. lots of games, balloons, presents. what is missing from this description? the kid who can't seem to understand that it's YOUR birthday, not theirs. there is always that kid lurking in the corner of every picture. touching every gift. removing the last bits of wrapping paper and tape. letting out an occasional sigh and a "man....i always wanted one of those..." They aren't right in the middle of the action. Nor are they fighting for all of the attention. they're just always there. always helping. always wishing the birthday and all that comes with it could belong to them.
this will be much easier to open if i help you with this corner...
here....let me read this for you...
well it's not my birthday so i'm not going to smile. but i'm not about to let go of my corner here.