why green, crusty things grown in our nostrils is completely beyond me. the simple and only answer i have come up with is one thing: awkward. i personally, can think of a good 100 awkwards that can be attributed to this topic,completely. but there is one in particular that stands out in my mind and so that is where i would like to begin this grand adventure of "snotty sensations" we will be sharing over the course of our 1000 awkward moments together.
and it goes like this....
once upon a time, my life had hit a particular low. i was working a really crappy job. with really crappy hours. and really crappy work was involved. i was also very ill. my cold had not morphed into mono, thank goodness. but it had turned into a raging sinus infection which was resulting in the complete destruction of: my nasal cavities, my ability to breath, to live life without feeling like my head was becoming so full of mucus it was on the verge of explosion, and well, my ability to function as a normal human being. but, we all know how life is so i was at work each day through this whole mess. to pass the time i had bought a rubik's cube. one problem: solving it was like a big moldy piece of cake. i don't know if you've ever attempted to solve a rubik's cube using only the directions that come with it, but if you have, you know what i mean when i say: they are completely worthless. lucky for me i had made friends with a cute boy who a-knew how to solve it and b-was willing to help me each day. he isn't the kind of boy i ever anticipated dating. not even a little. he was one of those irrational crushes we all have. each day we'd chat and get a little further on the cube. i'd enjoy how cute he was and our lighthearted conversation. he'd help me solve the cube. sounds cute right? well lets add in the current sinus condition. that's where things take a nice awkward twist. one day i stopped by his cubicle. we were having a nice little chat. all of the sudden something funny was said. normally i'd be able to laugh and continue on with my conversation and then day. but because my nose was so jam packed with snot that was absolutely not the case. two gigantic boogers, like big, green slugs shoot out of my nostrils mid laugh, they are exposed to the world long enough for cute boy and everyone around me to see them and for their smiles to droop just a little and the like two little bungie jumpers without a care in the world, thing one and thing two suck back into their holes and all of the faces that had gone from laughter, to fear that they would be sprayed with the mucus, to concern that i was stashing all of "that" in my little nose. were i a normal and mature human being i would have stopped laughing. but i'm not. so i'm laughing so hard i'm struggling to speak. while also blushing wildly. and attempting to communicate "i'm so sorry...i have a severe sinus infection." not that that would change anything. so i take my runny, giggly mess of a self and just leave work. slightly mortified. because i know once my cold meds wear off and i've got a grip on myself and i'm back at work i'm going to be more than just a little bit mortified and i will be forever avoiding one of the few things that made this job bearable.
so....if that wasn't awkard enough. this story does in fact, continue. the next day rolls around. i'm hiding in my cubicle. embarrassed just as anticipated. blowing my extra full nose almost constantly. on one of the trips to grab more toilet paper/blow i run into you know who. i awkwardly say hi. he looks particularly tired. he starts talking. everything is far less awkard than anticiapted. and then as he is talking my eyes naturally drift from his face down to the front of his shirt where the is something large, crusty, and a nice brown/yellow color, dried up and hanging on for dear life. eyes dart back up to his face. i'm trying desperately not to look at the crusty boogers dried on the front of his shirt, but remember the tap dancing poops from the pet post? this booger is singing show tunes in a firework filled sky and i just can't help myself. i can't even focus on what he is saying. how was it humanly possible to grow a booger that big, get it out of a nostril and accidently leave it on the front of your shirt?! he notices i'm not listening and is making a confused face. so i can't even help it and i say "ummm....you've got something on your shirt..." had i not been so shocked at this boog, immaturity would have set it by now and i'd be a hysterical wreck. but the worst part of this whole mucasy mess is what happens next: he casually looks down, lets out a little "oh" of enlightnement, picks it off, sniffs it and says "....that's just a chunk of my hot pocket from last night!" as he nonchalantly FLICKS IT ASIDE. i let out a little scream out of fear that the guy next to him might lose an eye. not sure where it landed but i think it probably ended up making a family of small rodents very happy. i can't hold back the hysterical laughter any longer and i totally lose it. who cares about boogers at this point. this man eats hot pockets. he doesn't bathe regularly. and he flicks crusty things around like it's nobody's business. i'm not sure if my crush increased or lessened at that point. i have a strange respect for people who can recognize that bodies have functions and sometimes these functions do whatever they please. all i know is that my abs were very sore the next day. and awkward lives on. always and forever.