#2 putting hemorrhoid ointment on your eyes to reduce swelling.

maybe i only know about this because i am a girl and i cry my eyes out more than i'd like...or maybe this is just common knowledge. you know how it goes...you have a bad day. maybe you wreck your car. you get dumped. someone you were very close to passes away. crying nice and hard happens. i'm not talking about the cry where you let out a few minutes worth of tears, wait for about ten minutes for the few splotches to clear up, dry your eyes, clean your contacts, if you are female you then touch up your makeup and go about your day as normal. i'm talking about the cry where you let loose. you just let it flow like there's no tomorrow. for me it often goes like this: i'm usually laying on my own bed crying to someone over the phone, or my mom is there, or i'm laying on my parents bed, and i'm punching the pillows and crying/yelling about whatever i'm so upset about as i sob. before the end of it they make me feel better. note: me feeling better means they're going to crack a joke about something totally stupid and sarcastic that makes me start to cry a little more but it also makes me laugh...thus the best feeling ever: laugh crying. anywho...after this whole ordeal the splotches are unreal. my nose is raw from blowing and wiping. my head is pounding. but the real problem: the puffy eyes. puffy isn't really an accurate word anymore. it's more like....gigantic tumor-like growths where normal little eyeballs used to be that you're now attempting to look out of . and the worst part: you think going to bed will help. WRONG. they are even worse when you wake up. so the first thought is to splash some cool water on them. that helps a little. the next thought is ice. so you lay there icing your tumor-eyes and hoping it'll help. that will also help quite a bit, but it doesn't totally fix the problem. most people think at this point there is nothing else. but....oh there is. once upon a time i heard from a source i can't even remember but i want to say it was back in the days when i did pageants that if you put a little bit of hemorrhoid cream on your eyes it would reduce swelling. So when my eyes morphed into a monster yesterday and the ice wasn't doing the trick i turned to my mom and said i'm going to try it. she seemed to think that it was a good idea until i pulled the tube out and started to open it. then she started frantically saying, "maybe you just just use some more ice...i mean the only thing that could make life worse right now is if you end up blinding yourself with hemorrhoid cream..." my response..."if i'm blind i won't ever have to worry about this or any of my other problems again...i can just wallow in my blind misery!..." so i proceed to squeeze a little bit on my finger and rub it under my eyes. it made my skin burn a little but i think it helped. it's made to reduce swelling and irritation to sensitive tissues. so really....it shouldn't even be weird. but then as i'm sitting there in the bathroom with gigantically puffy eyes and greasy ointment all over my face, waiting for a miracle, i start reading the tube. bad idea. i can handle reading about it's real purposes but while it's sitting on my face...that is where awkward starts screaming in my face..."apply to affected area up to 4 times daily especially after each bowel movement..." "for intrarectal use..." i'm reading about applicators and bleeding now...and at this point i freak out a little and wipe it off my face.

for the record it is a great idea and did help.

just don't read about its true purposes while it's on your face.

Awkward.