#7 pet humiliation part 1

dear awkward followers,

i'm sorry for letting you down for so long. i am back. for real. and i'm actually planning on posting once daily. so make it a part of your daily routine to experience an awkward moment with me. love always, cailie.

today's topic is one that i'm sure a few people out there haven't experienced in the slightest and this will just end up being weird/gross to them. but for those of you who have ever had a pet, you will know exactly what i mean. pets are so cute. they're fun. playful. but there's another side to them. a slightly evil side. they're so cute and helpless you can't help but let them live in your house. but oh how they always abuse that privilege. let me present a few ways they can provide some of the most awkward moments of your life.

#1 the smelly surprise

so you invite someone into your home. they aren't your mom or your best friend so you want to be polite; make a good impression. you invite them into your living room. your nicest furniture is in there. you begin chatting. after a minute you think to yourself, "what is that smell....i know i showered today....and i'd need to have some major halitosis for that rancid smell to be coming from my mouth.....fluffy is locked up..." and then you see it. fluffy has left a little present for you. it's not in the middle of the room. it's kind of to the side. not tucked away though. it's easy to spot. and boy is her present giving off an odor. so for the next ten minutes you don't listen to a word your guest is saying. you just sit there nodding with a fake smile plastered on your face. inside you are mortified. what if they notice? how will you bear the shame? you try not to look at it too much, fearful that they will follow your eyes over there. but for reasons that are beyond you, you keep glancing...like you're afraid the poop is going to grow legs and start tap dancing across the room. hey at least at that point you'd be known as so and so who has the tap dancing poop collection. because at this point your in a lose lose situation. either they're going to see it and think something goes around pooping wherever it pleases and you don't even bother to pick it up before people come over. or they will leave thinking "man....they sure are nice...but that poop smell was so bad..." and you will instantly become mr. or mrs. poop smell forever.

#2 butt juices

situation number two is with someone you're a little more comfortable with. enough that fluffy isn't locked up. she's not jumping on the other person or licking them or being a nuisance. she's actually being quite nice. she does a little trick or two. "sit fluffy....shake fluffy..." you give her a treat. at that point she's thinking "well i'm off duty ...i'm gonna do whatever i'd like." the first thing she's going to do is scratch behind her ears. that's kind of cute. then she is going to start cleaning her privates. not cute anymore. why animals feel like licking their private parts in front of people is necessary is something i will never understand, but they always do it. without fail. it's like "those people look different...better lick my butt..." i've thought that maybe in the dog world that's really awesome. "you know skipper....he's such a champion butt licker..." just a thought...best explanation i've come up with so far. the next thing fluffy does is the worst. this is one i couldn't even fathom for years. still can't to be quite honest with you. she is sitting as an animal does...only all the sudden she's lifting her back legs up just a little and she's using her front ones to drag her behind all over your carpet. so yes, not only is your animal dragging it's butt all over your carpet, it also could not look more awkward in the process. one time the family dog started doing this while my aunt, uncle and cousins were visiting. when our eyes got big and we started scolding her my uncle told us some fact about dogs releasing butt juices and that was the reason they do that. honestly that doesn't make it any better. "excuse the fact that my pet looks completely awkward dragging herself around by her two front paws....she's just releasing her butt juices all over the very same carpet your feet are touching right this very minute...enjoy!" you're sure to see them again.

awkward.