3/17/10

#4 your breath be kickin' like ninjas!

okay...here's the deal: bad breath is the worst. not only can it cause instant death. it makes for many an awkward moment. for those of you who don't know, or haven't figured it out, i work in a salon doing hair full time. last week i'm doing my part to work through the large list of clients waiting to get their hair cut on this particular evening. most of you also know or have figured out that i am a female in her early twenties who is attracted to good looking men around my same age. so i noticed when a guy came in who's about my age and fairly attractive. actually i'll give him a little more than that. he's quite attractive. he has a nice face, cute smile, good hair. etc. etc. and it just so happens that after a couple of haircuts when i call the next name on the list mr. good-looking stands up and gives a cute little smile. i hold the chair still while he sits down. pick up the cape. get a little neck strip ready. turn to him and say something along the lines of "what're we doing for you today..." now in a world where good things happen to me, he would've smiled and explained his ideal haircut and then for the next 20 minutes or so i would give him just that while we chatted and i quickly learned that he's near perfect, exactly everything i'm looking for, he would've laughed at my quirky sarcasm and stupid jokes, he would love his haircut, he would've tipped me well, and sometime before his pretty but handsome face and cute smile walked back out the door he would've gotten my phone number and we would be set. but that world is not real and instead he opened his mouth and i about killed over at the remnants of whatever it was he had for his last meal. instead of smiling and letting out a silly joke i gave a weak smile and just nodded while attempting to hold my breath and assessing how i was going to smell that horrendous stench for one more second, let alone a 20 minute long haircut! racking my brain i get the idea maybe i can offer him a piece of gum out of my little hiding place in my station that i keep for my own bad breath emergencies. then i start arguing with myself about whether or not that could make things worse and was there even a piece in there? i'm pretty sure the last one was in my mouth right that very minute. so taking a deep breath i glanced in the mirror and reminded myself that bad breath happens, maybe he had frantically searched through his car, every pocket, asked the man in the parking lot on his way in, couldn't find help anywhere so had no choice but to nearly knock his poor hairstylist dead...and he was still a cute kid and i would continue the haircut and chat as planned. so as i cut he talked. from the back, as in standing directly behind him it wasn't so bad. it was only around the sides, closer to the mouth aka the source of the aroma that it was overpowering. so i started strategizing. i would ask the questions around the front and then quickly move towards the back before he began answering. thank goodness no one from corporate was there to see me cut this haircut. i would've been fired for sure. zero organization. whatsoever. and thank goodness this kid was so wrapped up in his own thoughts and seemed rather oblivious to how sporadically his hair was being cut. so as we talk i find out he is a writer. i am instantly intrigued and consider forgiving the breath situation just a little bit. then i get another whiff and hold back a gag, feel a little dizzy for a minute and start thinking "what could make anything so bad?!" trust me i know the breath the italian place brings thanks to it's close location...right next door. it's pretty bad. but this is far beyond that. i start wondering "were you snacking on some onions and garlic before you stopped in or what? worried about vampires? i sure wouldn't be if i were you...." so this continues on for awhile. the haircut is complete. a shampoo is so out of the question...and i start taking the cape off mid sentence. he pays...i don't even care about a tip anymore and i began singing the hallelujah chorus as i see him walk out the door and head for his car. the only thing that could be better is if the rest of the salon joined in after a minute....i know if i was basically dying someone else had to be smelling it... then we would break out into some kind of a supercuts musical.... just to top this whole awkward thing off.

bad breath happens...but as you can see it is terrible. and terribly awkard.
so in addition to a great, but sad story i have a piece of advice....keep some gum close by. you never know when you or the poor soul next to you will need it.

awkward.

4 comments:

  1. There is a special place in heaven for you!....and that poor soul that had a dead rat growing in is pie hole

    ReplyDelete
  2. there was a kid on my ballroom team that never washed his hair or brushed his teeth. they were turning black. yeah, dance with that hot piece of lovin. we got partnered up and i refused. i talked to my coach and told him until he tidied up i would not practice with him and i consider myself a pretty patient person when it comes to unfortunate partners. luckily he "went to ireland to marry his online boyfriend" (not even joking) mid semester. brush your teeth kiddo. severe b.o. is also bad stuff.

    ReplyDelete
  3. hahahahahahahahahahaha. oh my goodness. i love you both. so much.

    ReplyDelete